Author Archives: Jonelle Patrick

What’s Green and Crunchy and Not The Flavor You Think It Is?

Okay, I know it’s not green tea. I’m not even going to waste a guess saying it might be green tea. Wait, why? Because in Japan most cookies and cakes and other things that ought not ever to be green (except on St.  Patrick’s day) are green tea flavor. I’m not saying it’s right, butContinueContinue reading “What’s Green and Crunchy and Not The Flavor You Think It Is?”

What Not To Do On Japanese Trains

The Spitfire demon’s evil twin has donned a suit and volunteered to show commuters what not to do on Japanese trains. Hint #1: Do not bully schoolboys about their pink hair. They can’t help it. Hint #2: Pinching that salaryman will only get the office lady’s knickers in a twist, so please direct your attentionsContinueContinue reading “What Not To Do On Japanese Trains”

Extreme Pancakes

In a “foreign food” breakthrough worthy of comparison to the In ‘n Out Double Double, behold the most recent craze in Japanese pancakes: super thick flapjacks! A miracle of batter engineering, these ultra-fluffmonsters are not only perfectly browned on both sides, they’re cooked all the way through with no surprise pockets of sogginess in theContinueContinue reading “Extreme Pancakes”

Gnomes Of Enlightenment

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil… Does that include thinking uncharitable thoughts when you see a foreign blond guy trying to rock a Japanese 2-block haircut? Or hating on the person in the upstairs apartment who seems to be hard of hearing and really really really likes enka music? Inquiring gnomes wantContinueContinue reading “Gnomes Of Enlightenment”

King Of Tattoo Returns!

I knew studying kanji would come in handy someday! The big character on this gentleman’s neck is the one for “nine” and the ones running down the front are Chinese, not Japanese, but the characters are the ones for “fleeting dreams.” I’m quite sure it’s an idiom rather than something that can be easily translated,ContinueContinue reading “King Of Tattoo Returns!”

Costumes I Would Regret Even Thinking Of Wearing

What IS this? A rare species of face-eating nudibranch? A faded map of the 18th hole at Pebble Beach?  No! It’s a fake five o’clock shadow! This is an especially spectacular career-inhibitor if the costume-wearing prankster is a woman! Long, long after you reach what would have been retirement age if you’d ever been ableContinueContinue reading “Costumes I Would Regret Even Thinking Of Wearing”

Seaweed Jello

Sadly, it didn’t have pineapple, fruit cocktail OR marshmallows in it. This square of wiggly was chock full of algae, algae, and more algae! Made from nori (the wrap on tuna tekkamaki at your favorite sushi bar), it was held together with just enough agar (the growth medium in petri dishes at your favorite laboratory)ContinueContinue reading “Seaweed Jello”

Special today! $300 Mushrooms!

I had to stop and count the zeros, because I can honestly say that even in Japan, I’ve never seen a number of that size attached to a piece of FOOD. To be fair, this is a jumbo pack of matsutakes (they’re usually sold onesie-twosie), and the price per shroom works out to a bargainContinueContinue reading “Special today! $300 Mushrooms!”

Is It Headless Character Trash Day Yet?

I spotted the Headless Horseman’s Younger Sister out at the curb last Friday on Recyclable Trash Day among the ho-hum bags of beer cans, plastic water bottles and onesie-twosie hard liquor empties. The Garbage Powers That Be evidently decided that this cranium-challenged miss was made of suspiciously unrecyclable plastic, because she was still standing there whenContinueContinue reading “Is It Headless Character Trash Day Yet?”

Do It Yourself…Acupuncture?

Wow, one can only imagine the mischief some extreme DIYer might get into with this handy plastic head from Village Vanguard. It helpfully details all the points on your head and face where you can poke yourself with sharp needles to cure what ails you. If you see your mom come home with one ofContinueContinue reading “Do It Yourself…Acupuncture?”

In My Next Life, I Definitely Want To Come Back As A Shinto God

Seriously, which would you rather have? Long-faced celibate guys in brown robes or strapping Japanese dudes in fundoshi (see above)? It’s fall festival season here in Japan right now, and it’s the duty of every neighborhood to take the local gods out and show them a good time. Fortunately, Shinto gods do not go inContinueContinue reading “In My Next Life, I Definitely Want To Come Back As A Shinto God”

The Jellyfish & Shark Bar

Now you don’t have to trek to the aquarium in Ikebukuro to see your favorite wiggly and bite-y creatures of the deep – right next to Ebisu station is Medusa, where you can sip the beverage of your choice while being mesmerized by the glow! Additional entertainment may be had by perusing the Standard LiqueursContinueContinue reading “The Jellyfish & Shark Bar”

Back To The Future, With Engrish Subs

Please forgive the out-of-focus-because-walking-while-trying-not-to-get-big-pink-finger-in-front-of-lens phone shot, but this t-shirt was too awesome to pass up! Delorean We came from Santa Ana Orange County Carifornia We will supply fine quality Clothing for All of Board Riders Hope springs eternal! Forget the iPhone 5 – you know the product announcement we’re all REALLY waiting for is MartyContinueContinue reading “Back To The Future, With Engrish Subs”

Our Lady Of Glow In The Dark

I’m still trying to figure out the pop fascination with Catholic symbols here in Japan. Totally divorced from religious tradition (Christianity never got much of a toehold here, thanks to serious banning of outsiders before 1868), for some reason stylish tough guys wear Our Lady Of Rude Kustoms on the back of their motorcycle jacketsContinueContinue reading “Our Lady Of Glow In The Dark”

Sit Down Stand Up

One day last fall, as I was walking through Yoyogi Park on my way to fall off the slackline, I saw this guy standing by a tree in a vaguely medieval-looking costume. In America I’d have hustled by, careful to make ZERO eye contact, sure he was either a member of a rabidly proselytizing religious cultContinueContinue reading “Sit Down Stand Up”

And Today’s Japanese Pizza Mystery Ingredient Is…?

Blue Cheese? blaaat. Camembert? blaaat. Gouda? blaaat. Maple Syrup? BING-BONG! Yes, this month, Domino’s Japan will ship you a pizza bursting with four cheeses never before melted together on a crust, and some of Quebec’s finest pancake condiment to pour over the top! A taste treat to…remember. •

Costumes I Would Regret, Part Deux

Nothing says Career Killer like a shot of your grinning face leering at the camera from inside a beer mask, two-fisting some brewskies! Tokyu Hands once again comes through with a costume that makes you think, “Snap! I don’t even have to dress up!” but ends up producing dozens of eminently uploadable candids for everyone’s internet-viewingContinueContinue reading “Costumes I Would Regret, Part Deux”

Mmm, Intestine Flavored Noodles

Standing in line this morning to buy food so I could make it through my three-hour Japanese class, I was casually browsing the shelves next to me in case something looked better than the melon bread in my hot little hand. At that hour of the morning, I’m usually still too brain dead to beContinueContinue reading “Mmm, Intestine Flavored Noodles”

Spaghetti Burger

Yesterday afternoon I was running around my neighborhood without lunch and too many errands to do, and suddenly I turned into a teenage boy. MUST. EAT. ONE MILLION CALORIES. NOW. Fortunately, the ever-handy MosBurger was close enough to stumble into, but as I was making for the finish line, I was brought to a screechingContinueContinue reading “Spaghetti Burger”

Where To Get The Most Killer Profile Pix Ever

My friend Hiro deals with a pesky infestation of ninjas. Follow the directions posted on the wall next to each life-size, optical illusion painting at the Trick Art Museum in Odaiba, and your life will instantly look way more exciting than it actually is! A deadline sneaks up on the novelist Defying gravity with rigorous ninjaContinueContinue reading “Where To Get The Most Killer Profile Pix Ever”

Mommy, When I Grow Up, I Want To Be A Burger Flipper!

So, what does it say about Japanese society that five years ago the toy store shelves were filled with make-your-own squid ink popcorn, fancy jello desserts and sushi rolls that look like Anpan Man, but now the big seller is “Let’s pretend we work at MosBurger”? This is the traditional version of “I want toContinueContinue reading “Mommy, When I Grow Up, I Want To Be A Burger Flipper!”

Your Very Own Electronic Monk!

Tired of petitioning the Powers That Be every day for world peace, a winning lottery ticket, and for them to still have your size when those purple Fluevog boots you desperately want go on sale? Rest easy! Now you can let the Electronic Monk do your chanting for you! You’re just a couple of AAContinueContinue reading “Your Very Own Electronic Monk!”

Sleepover at the Comic Book Cafe

It was 2:30 in the morning on a rainy Shibuya night. Not a cab in sight. And if there had been, chances are, one of the hundreds of other people straining their eyes searching for one in vain would have beaten us to it. What to do, what to do? Fortunately, my friend was Japanese,ContinueContinue reading “Sleepover at the Comic Book Cafe”

Curry Cheese Pizza Chips?! Nooooo!

Nevermind that putting cheese on top of Japanese curry sounds about as appealing as stirring a spoonful of peanut butter into my coffee, the idea of serving that flavor mashup on a pizza-flavored potato chip has me running for my stash of purloined air discomfort bags. And in case I want to make this aContinueContinue reading “Curry Cheese Pizza Chips?! Nooooo!”

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Moves On To Cooking

If only I could instruct various ingredients to assemble themselves into yum-looking dishes like this with a wave of my magic wand! (Hint, hint, Xmas wish list: MAGIC WAND) Saw these at the plastic food model store where I learned how to make tempura and lettuce last December. And in case you’re wondering about theContinueContinue reading “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Moves On To Cooking”

Yes, It’s Exactly What It Looks Like

If you guessed squid guts, squid guts and squid guts, you win the trifecta! But very tasty ones, apparently, since they sell a mountain of these at the Hokkaido store in Sugamo. I’ve occasionally been faced with these at the Japanese restaurants called izakaya, where you’re served a small snack with your drink order whetherContinueContinue reading “Yes, It’s Exactly What It Looks Like”

Take That, Forces Of Dampness!

Only in Japan would a lack of balconies spawn a whole new category of appliances. Behold the futon dryer! Used to be, you could walk down any neighborhood street mid-day and see every family’s bedding hung over the balcony to air, secured with giant plastic clamps so they wouldn’t slip off the railing and smotherContinueContinue reading “Take That, Forces Of Dampness!”

Cleaning Product I Did Not Buy Because It Was Too Cute

Honestly, could YOU shove this adorable little pup’s nose into the grimy corner behind the toilet, or use it’s fluffy little belly to battle the dust whales that have been lurking beneath your bed ever since you moved to Japan? I thought not. I’m afraid I bypassed this little guy in favor of a scrubberContinueContinue reading “Cleaning Product I Did Not Buy Because It Was Too Cute”

Beer Slurpee

This summer in Tokyo the trending drink of choice is Frozen Draft Beer! The beer itself is chilled extra cold, then a head of beer slush is swirled on top from a repurposed Icee machine. On a steamy summer night, I have to admit, this fad did not disappoint! I pounded this one down atContinueContinue reading “Beer Slurpee”

Food Fight!

SHA-KINNNN! Take that, filet o’mignon! Mika Tsutai’s manga design plates take cafeteria battles to a whole new level. Designed so the food becomes the hero in every frame, every meal is an adventure. “Aaaaaa!” Down the hatch, himono fish! “Sha-kinn!” Another granola bar bites the dust “Do…!” Fried shrimpy bits fight back Tuna, The ChosenContinueContinue reading “Food Fight!”

Meat Donuts

Now you don’t have to wait for breakfast to chow down on deep-fried donut goodness. Thanks to the product development geniuses at Mister Donut, now you can have them for dinner! In fact, you can serve them two nights in a row without guilt, since they come in two colors! Although the black sesame varietyContinueContinue reading “Meat Donuts”

Getting Carded, Japanese Style

This is the order screen at the izakaya where my Japanese class had our end-of-term nomikai. The average Japanese teenager may have it rough when it comes to taking entrance exams that will determine his whole future, but he never has to spend hours in front of the mirror, practicing intoning the words, ” rumContinueContinue reading “Getting Carded, Japanese Style”

Portaflush

Suddenly, you find yourself in a primitive public bathroom not equipped with a Sound Princess! What are you going to do to cover up unseemly noises, without wasting gallons and gallons of water?  Eco-oto to the rescue! Now you can make loud flushing sounds anytime, anywhere, from your very own mobile phone! The first timeContinueContinue reading “Portaflush”

The Peril Of The Red Panty

“Notice: When sleeping, “Red Panty” may cause you excite and make you sleepless. So put on ordinary color underwear when you sleep.” A thousand apologies for not immediately publishing this instruction sheet on how to properly use Lucky Red Underwear – I bet you were wondering about that mysterious case of insomnia that developed afterContinueContinue reading “The Peril Of The Red Panty”

How to Survive a Company Drinking Party

How hard could it be? Gallop with your co-workers to a nearby watering hole, then eat, drink & be merry until they kick you out. But like the seasonal cherry blossom party, nomikais are not for the weak, and if you happen to be the junior member of the team, your duties will require staminaContinueContinue reading “How to Survive a Company Drinking Party”

The Indo-Taco!

Out walking and far from home last weekend, I was struck by the sudden need to acquire about a thousand calories. Lucky for me, there was a Mos Burger conveniently located within  staggering distance. The Japanese equivalent of McDonald’s, Mos Burger’s claim to fame is a burger topped with a sunny-side-up egg. (This is aContinueContinue reading “The Indo-Taco!”

Make Your Own Pikachu Lunchbox!

Want your kid to blow away the cafeteria crowd when they open up their Pokemon lunchbox tomorrow? Fill it with this outrageous labor of love! Your child might even be distracted enough to eat that big hunk of squash, fake crab legs and seaweed it’s made from. In twelve elaborate steps (from the pages ofContinueContinue reading “Make Your Own Pikachu Lunchbox!”

The Scene Of The Crime

I get to Shibuya Station a little early to meet a friend, and suddenly I’m so hungry I think I’m going to die. Whipping inside the handy Tokyu store, I buy a miniature bag of chocolate cookies to wolf down before my friend arrives. Nom, nom, whew, ravenous feeling assuaged. Oh no, unanticipated pitfall! NowContinueContinue reading “The Scene Of The Crime”

Fruity Pizza

No your eyes do not deceive you: those are adorable – if un-pizza-like – miniature marshmallows joining the pineapple and kiwi goodness of this summer offering at the Shakey’s all-you-can-eat bar. Topped off with festive multicolored sprinkles, the “slightly acidic flavored sweetness” of this dessert pizza will definitely rustle your jimmies. •

Snacks With Tentacles

If you run out of Snacks With Eyes, break out the munchies that double as creepy things to sneak up on someone with the next time you’re watching Alien. Dried squid snacks are one of the most popular junk foods in Japan – I had a hard time choosing between the many varieties for sale atContinueContinue reading “Snacks With Tentacles”

The Ashlet

With a play on words that’s appreciated by everyone in Japan who has used Toto’s legendary Washlet toilet, behold the Ashlet! While sadly lacking an exhaust fan like the genuine Washlet, it does have a cigarette-extinguishing bidet function, and gives cigarette smokers a handy place to um, park their butts. Saw these at  the Village Vanguard store inContinueContinue reading “The Ashlet”

Pickle-flavored Pringles

Japanese consumers eat pickles by the gallon, but not THESE kind of pickles. Rating three splats on the Sour-O-Meter, Screamin’ Dill Pickle Pringles are the most mysterious flavor I’ve seen yet. I mean, last time I checked, sourness wasn’t the most prized attribute of potato chips. I can tell they’re not a locally developed product because theContinueContinue reading “Pickle-flavored Pringles”

Burger Pizza

What all-beef manhandler’s got lettuce, tomato, pickles and onions, all topped off with two kinds of cheese and a special sauce? Yes, it’s Burger Pizza! The all-you-can-eat lunch buffet at the Shakeys in Takadanobaba is featuring this fast food mash-up as their summer special. Pass the Ketchup Gun! •

Tattoo Disguise

From this display at a trendy shop near Nakano Broadway, you’d think there was an epidemic of tennis elbow going around the yanqi-ish young men prone to wearing leopard fur accessories and clothing emblazoned with Our Lady of Rude Kustoms. In fact, this particular demographic tends to have something to hide, especially in summertime. Tattoos. DuringContinueContinue reading “Tattoo Disguise”