Author Archives: Jonelle Patrick

Japanese Invent A New Way For VIP Visits To Annoy The Populace

The populace protests the closure. You know how it goes when a VIP comes to town: streets unexpectedly blocked, swarms of shifty-eyed men in dark suits with little curly wires in their ears, cavalcades of unnecessarily long dark cars swanning through the streets? Annoying, right? Well, in Japan, everybody takes the subway, so you’d thinkContinueContinue reading “Japanese Invent A New Way For VIP Visits To Annoy The Populace”

World’s Worst Popsicle

If spaghetti-flavored ice on a stick isn’t the world’s worst idea for a snack, I don’t know what is. But, in an act of supreme self-sacrifice, I tried it, so you don’t have to! Supposedly, the “Napolitan Rich” Gari-Gari contains pockets of tomato jelly, but I was unable to detect them in the short time the instantly-regretted biteContinueContinue reading “World’s Worst Popsicle”

The Scrub Brush Shrine

So, I’m trudging back to the bus stop after catching Sankei-en having the Japanese garden equivalent of a bad hair day,* when I spot this odd little shrine tucked between two houses. The altar is a big pitted rock, and it’s covered with…scrub brushes? What is this, the patron kami-sama of cleaning supplies? Wrong-o! This shrine is the cureContinueContinue reading “The Scrub Brush Shrine”

Alt Cherry

So, during cherry blossom season, people naturally flock to places with maximum pink fluffiness. But if you don’t have any real blooming cherry trees of epic proportions, how do you avoid being the location equivalent of Forever Alone? Behold the ingenuity of even the stodgiest of institutions… If you’re the mighty flagship Mitsukoshi department store, youContinueContinue reading “Alt Cherry”

Salty Dragonblood Toothpaste

But what I want to know is, how do they KNOW the dragons only ate pesticide-free virgins? Is the blood harvested from organically-certified, knight-armor-free, farm-grown dragons? You can get your very own Toothpaste Of Targaryens at the Tokyu Hands store in Ikebukuro. •

So, What DO Cherry Blossoms Taste Like?

Around cherry blossom season in Japan, the shelves suddenly fill with “sakura”-flavored food. But what does cherry blossom-flavored food actually taste like? I investigate. Cherry blossoms taste like…mini-shrimp potato chips. Cherry blossoms taste like…plum-flavored whisky & soda. Cherry blossoms taste like…pinkish berry combo gel and vanilla ice cream. Cherry blossoms taste like…potato chips sprinkled with groundContinueContinue reading “So, What DO Cherry Blossoms Taste Like?”

Cherry Blossoms Lit Up At Night: My Favorite Spots!

Oh no, don’t think you can put your feet up and flip some channels after the sun goes down during cherry blossom season – thanks to the current craze for “illuminations,” the ogling opportunities will seriously cut into your TV time. Here are my favorite nighttime viewing spots. Get thee to the nearest grove and give your camera aContinueContinue reading “Cherry Blossoms Lit Up At Night: My Favorite Spots!”

Cherry Blossom Flavored Ice Cream

Naturally, it being the Pink Season, all things must be as one with the almighty sakura. Including…ice cream. And what does this marvel of food engineering taste like? Hmm, good question.  Fortunately, they did not try to reproduce the taste of traditional Japanese sakura sweets, which are sweet rice cakes jarringly wrapped in salty pickled cherry leaves. Usually I’mContinueContinue reading “Cherry Blossom Flavored Ice Cream”

The Godzilla Of Cherry Trees

Don’t let this big daddy sneak up on you in the dark! In Japan they don’t mess around when it comes to cherry trees. I saw this explosion of goodness last night at Rikugi-en garden in Tokyo, where they light up the all-powerful sakura until 9:00 every night during The Season. But this one isn’t the only monsterContinueContinue reading “The Godzilla Of Cherry Trees”

Cherry Blossom Party Costumes I Would Regret

Having a bad hair day? Put this sakura-themed bag over your head and untag yourself from the cherry blossom festivities! The cherry trees are readying their onslaught, and it’s almost time for the annual beer-fuelled frolicking to commence. What better way to say, “I am a wild and crazy guy” than to don one of these festiveContinueContinue reading “Cherry Blossom Party Costumes I Would Regret”

Scary Eyes Made Easy

If you don’t think it’s quite out there enough to have eyes that make you look like a living doll, say hello to this line of definitely unnatural contacts! How about a nice alien look, with Solid White? Or perhaps a touch of psychopath, with Spiral or Manson Red? I saw these for sale atContinueContinue reading “Scary Eyes Made Easy”

Changing The World, One Tag At A Time

I started taking pictures of work by the street artist known as 281_Antinuke a couple of years ago because I thought it was beautiful. Now I shoot it because I think it’s the voice of young Japanese saying to their society: we don’t want prosperity at the price of environmental destruction. While the government triesContinueContinue reading “Changing The World, One Tag At A Time”

Cuddle Up With An Adorable Slice Of Raw Fish

Okay, I thought the stuffed animal wizards were pretty much scraping the bottom of the vertebrate barrel when they came up with Kapybara-san a few years ago. I mean, how many of your childhood friends were really dying to invite the world’s largest rodent into bed with them? I rest my case. Of course theyContinueContinue reading “Cuddle Up With An Adorable Slice Of Raw Fish”

Firewalking 101

I’m not sure who first thought that walking across burning coals would be an awesome superpower to have, but sometime in the distant past, that’s exactly what a bunch of more-rugged-then-thou Japanese warrior priests learned to do. Firewalking is still done once a year at the foot of Mt. Takao by practitioners of shugendo, aContinueContinue reading “Firewalking 101”

The Anime Shrine

If I were one of the gods at the Kanda Myojin shrine, I’d give these mortals whatever they asked for! If you live, breathe, and want to work in anime, the Kanda Myōjin shrine is the place to pray that your dreams come true. But you’d better bring your markers and all your drawing chops,ContinueContinue reading “The Anime Shrine”

Death By Cuteness: Baby Penguin Rice Balls

A lunchbox filled with penguin rice balls would be dangerous enough, but BABY penguin rice balls definitely sends the message NO MERCY in the cafeteria lunchbox fight-to-the-death! Comes with easy stuff-it rice mold and a seaweed cutter, so you can leave your lunchboxing nail scissors in the drawer to fight another day. •

Where To Get The Best Cup Of Coffee In The Whole World

Best. Coffee. In. The. World. You’re lookin’ at it. Let me ask you this: how often can you get something that’s the best in the world for less than ten bucks? Because today – score! – I had the BEST COFFEE IN THE WORLD for ¥700. It was at a little timeslip of a coffeeContinueContinue reading “Where To Get The Best Cup Of Coffee In The Whole World”

How Underwhelming Can You Get?

Tokyo SkyTree. You can’t miss it. It’s that gigantic over-hyped TV tower rearing its unremarkable, yet insistently lit-up head out beyond Asakusa. For twenty bucks you can go up it and see the view. Except today. Today all I could see was, well, this. The most expensive clouds I have ever seen. Fortunately for usContinueContinue reading “How Underwhelming Can You Get?”

Beer Engineering

Better than a cherry on top. Three to seven. That’s the ideal ratio of foamy head to actual beer, according to the experts at the Ebisu Brewery. And how do you achieve this perfect glass of brewski? Well, first, you have to be drinking Ebisu, which is engineered to deliver that perfect ratio, every time. ButContinueContinue reading “Beer Engineering”

Emergency Funeral Tie

In case of an unscheduled Grim Reaper appearance… Every convenience store in Japan sells clothes. Emergency clothes. Say you missed the last train home and have to prop yourself in a comic book café cubicle all night, then head straight back to the hamster wheel the next morning. Your white shirt no longer passes muster,ContinueContinue reading “Emergency Funeral Tie”

All About Love Hotels!

Ground Control to Major Tom: Take your protein pills and put your Trojan on! Where I come from, the kind of hotels that charge by the hour instead of the night are ultra-shady and tend to get raided by the cops a lot. Not in Japan! In the country where most people live in quartersContinueContinue reading “All About Love Hotels!”

Fan-Built Lego Of Japan

Complete samurai suit of armor, Horned Minifig clan. I especially enjoy that it is fully jointed. I saw these fan-built designs on display at the Lego store in Odaiba! Experience the failure to grab any prize in miniature – just like the real thing! – with this fully operational Alien Claw model. Rollicking 3D actionContinueContinue reading “Fan-Built Lego Of Japan”

Forever Alone: Japan Version

A sign advertising One-Person Karaoke rooms, 3rd floor In The Land of Group Harmony, doing things by yourself is almost un-Japanese. But because Japan is also the country which offers a hot spring resort for dogs, a store that only sells big red underwear for people over sixty, wine matched to your blood type, a clubContinueContinue reading “Forever Alone: Japan Version”

Wait, Seriously, You Can Eat That?!

In case you were wondering if there is such a thing as too much information, take a look-see at this handy chart I spotted recently, hanging outside a “Don’t Waste Anything!” restaurant in Tokyo. Although at first glance it looks like a biology quiz, when you discover it’s a diagram of where all the meatsContinueContinue reading “Wait, Seriously, You Can Eat That?!”

For Charcoal-Fresh Breath…

…get thee to the closest Tokyu Hands and get your paws on some Natamame toothpaste! It claims to smite your bad breath in four different flavors: Rose, Aloe (does aloe have a flavor?), Persimmon and Bamboo Charcoal. Yes, the black kind. Even stranger, guess what this toothpaste is made from? Sword beans! Bad breath, IContinueContinue reading “For Charcoal-Fresh Breath…”

Nose Training

“Choose your shape! Two-way style!” I don’t know which is weirder, the idea that you’d want your nose to be bigger, or that you think you can “train” it into pulchritude by using one of these pink plastic torture devices! Longing for a tall nose is nearly as common as the fervent wish for aContinueContinue reading “Nose Training”

The Lucky Cat Temple

In a corner of Gotokuji Temple, I discovered a Kannon figure totally surrounded by maneki neko lucky cats! Their raised paws are believed to beckon money and good luck into the owner’s business, so shopkeepers from all over Tokyo come here to buy a cat figure and offer it to the bodhisattva, hoping for a bigContinueContinue reading “The Lucky Cat Temple”

Make Your Own Goth Sushi

Okay, bento warriors, here’s your chance to show the lunchroom what you’re really made of! Step by step instructions for making skull-tastic sushi rolls from any old scraps of rice, omelet and seaweed you happen to have lying around the house! No need to painstakingly translate all that pesky Japanese – just make like aContinueContinue reading “Make Your Own Goth Sushi”

The Annual Host Convention!

Picture this. It’s a quiet Monday night in January. Usually the hosts who work in the Zero Group’s bars would be giving their hair a much-needed rest, kicking back to annihilate some video game zombies, and ordering take-out. But tonight is different from all other Monday nights. Tonight is The Annual Meeting! In any business,ContinueContinue reading “The Annual Host Convention!”

Alt Kimono

Give granny a heart attack with a Coming-Of-Age kimono that shows as much leg as your old schoolgirl uniform, bares a shoulder and some black-lace-edged cleavage, or cinches everything together with a corset instead of an obi! Last Sunday was the day all 20-year-olds officially become adults, but not everybody donned traditional maidenly garb toContinueContinue reading “Alt Kimono”

Wooden Origami

Craving a cherry crane or a pine penguin? Or maybe you’ve always wanted to fold a walnut helmet! Yep, this origami is actually made from paper-thin slices of wood! You can get your very own pack of super sheer veneer from (where else?) Tokyu Hands, on the lumber floor. (It has always amazed me thatContinueContinue reading “Wooden Origami”

Rice Of Unbearable Cuteness

Although digging into this adorable bunny-shaped rice might be a bit like steeling yourself to whack the head off a Bambi piñata, who can resist making boring old curry into a dish of overwhelming cuteness? This handy rice mold set also includes a fork-a-baby-dolphin-to-death design and the rather more humane sunflower model. •

Street Fightin’ Yakuza Action Figures

More than meets the eye! For hours of happy crime spree play, nothing can beat the thug rangers! Your platinum-haired chinpira will pinch Barbie’s car before she can squeal “math is hard,” the mirror-shaded loan shark can hit Ken up anytime, anywhere, for that gambling debt plus interest, and even GI Joe had better watch outContinueContinue reading “Street Fightin’ Yakuza Action Figures”

Piggy Zapper

If you should happen to find yourself out behind the barn sneaking a smoke with someone who is suddenly so repugnant that you want to taser them, Don Kihote has the perfect product for you! The Piggy Lighter That Also Shocks! As an added bonus, its nose extends to Pinocchio-like proportions in order to deliverContinueContinue reading “Piggy Zapper”

Traditional KFC Christmas Dinner, Now With Seaweed!

Lines stretch around the block at every KFC in Tokyo on Christmas Eve, as household minions are dispatched to pick up the traditional holiday fare, but this year they have a choice between regular and seaweed flavor. Pass the biscuits and tofu, ma! • And if you’re looking for some fine escapist reading to curl upContinueContinue reading “Traditional KFC Christmas Dinner, Now With Seaweed!”

Sexy Santa Roundup!

Bring on the sequins, lace, and fake fur halter Santas! As long as it’s red and white, anything goes! Ladies, just because those gold lamé and leopard print Santa costumes are made for men doesn’t mean you can’t play fast and loose with the jolly old elf this Christmas season! The Sexy Santa is a holidayContinueContinue reading “Sexy Santa Roundup!”

In Case You Were Confused, This Toy Is Not For Girls

Girls Keep Out! Between Pretend You Work As a Burger Flipper to Fun With Laundry And Ironing, you’ve got plenty of playthings to keep you busy. The Drill Set Of Manliness is just for boys! Yes, for less than ¥2000, youthful males can get their dudeitude on with this Super Robot Chogokin toy, complete with two (countContinueContinue reading “In Case You Were Confused, This Toy Is Not For Girls”

31 Flavors Of…Toothpaste?

Yes, this one tastes like Indian Curry! Now you can fight cavities and have curry-fresh breath too, with this new line of Breath Palette flavored toothpaste! With thirty-one strange flavors to choose from, your teeth can sparkle with a different one each day for a month. Get yourself some righteous morning coffee breath with CaféContinueContinue reading “31 Flavors Of…Toothpaste?”

Top Ten Only In Japan Holiday Gifts 2013

10. I bet the person on your list who has everything doesn’t have a THOUSAND DOLLAR RICE COOKER! It doesn’t slice, dice, or clean up the kitchen for you, but it does feature a cooking liner precision-milled from a single block of steel, for the ultimate in perfect heat distribution! Seen at: Yodabashi Camera, AkihabaraContinueContinue reading “Top Ten Only In Japan Holiday Gifts 2013”

More Acts Of Santa Blasphemy

Yes, when it comes to taking license with the jolly old elf, nobody can beat Tokyu Hands! For all your crossdressing Santa needs Someone must have pointed out that last year’s Black Santa Manteau wasn’t especially traditional, so they decided to offer a red version this year. •

At The Ise Shrine, Everything New Is Old

Hey, don’t we already have one of these? The god of rice’s building at the Ise Shrine sits next to a vacant lot. Or, actually, a construction site. Because every twenty years, a replica of the rice god’s shrine is lovingly built right next door. In the twentieth year, the god of rice is movedContinueContinue reading “At The Ise Shrine, Everything New Is Old”

Tokyo Illuminations 2013

Tokyo Midtown Once again, the holiday light displays in Tokyo were totally over the top! Tokyo Midtown in Roppongi led the way, with another lovely abstract creation set to a dreamy soundtrack. This year, the lights leapt free of the ground in glittering arcs, bounding across the ever-changing field of blue. Since couples on romanticContinueContinue reading “Tokyo Illuminations 2013”

Jack The Ripper – The Musical

Purple crushed velvet, bejeweled fake fur, slashed to the navel satin shirt – somehow the Japanese version of the elusive old serial killer comes off as slightly more of a gay blade than history gives him credit for! But it gets better – this isn’t the original production of Jack The Ripper, The Musical. The worldContinueContinue reading “Jack The Ripper – The Musical”

The Japanese Bus Tour: A Cultural Experience of Epic Proportions

How NOT to use a toilet. This sign mutely admonished all comers at one of the Mall Of America-sized rest stops along the way. I’d have to say that going on a two-day bus tour to the Ise Shrine has to rank right up there with staying overnight at a comic book café and goingContinueContinue reading “The Japanese Bus Tour: A Cultural Experience of Epic Proportions”

The Dog Sandwich Vending Machine

Try your luck at this vending machine and you might get a Chihuahuaffle! Or a Corgi Cornet! Or a Filet O’ Pug! Litte. Plastic. Sandwiches. With dogs in them. Wat. Or, most horrible of all, the Fried Shiba Sandwich! •