Author Archives: Jonelle Patrick

My Beautiful Handwashed Trash

Check this out. I totally have the cleanest trash in all the land. If I lived in America, (this would be some weird parallel universe America that has the same insane garbage rules as Japan, which require that recyclables be CLEAN before they are put out for collection on the appointed day), I’d have putContinueContinue reading “My Beautiful Handwashed Trash”

A Whole New Kind Of Fast Food

If you’ve got a need for speed when lunchtime rolls around, what could be faster than a couple of bullet train rice balls? And just so you don’t have to be up at 5:00 a.m. with your tweezers and nail scissors, this little bento-making set comes complete with a mold for the sticky rice andContinueContinue reading “A Whole New Kind Of Fast Food”

What’s Long & Skinny And Not What You Think It Is?

Hey, I was visiting the Togenuki Jizo and I got you a present. Wow, thanks. What is it? Guess. Oh no. On second thought, I don’t want it. It’s something weird, I just know it. It’s not weird! I swear, after you try it, you won’t be able to live without it. What’s this writingContinueContinue reading “What’s Long & Skinny And Not What You Think It Is?”

Job Description: Wizard of Oz

It’s amazing that a Japanese train ticket machine has never been in the running when it’s time to elect a new pope, because they are about as close to infallible as a machine can get. You stick in your money, and – unlike the ticket machine I once encountered in San Francisco, which rained downContinueContinue reading “Job Description: Wizard of Oz”

Doggie Diner

Even pooches who haven’t perfected the essential Sad Begging Face can score doggie-licious snacks at the Dog Department café! No trying to choose which  knee might belong to the most sympathetic diner, no patient waiting for a gravity-assisted food mishap – all that lucky canines have to do is order off the menu! Choose fromContinueContinue reading “Doggie Diner”

Tomb Of The Untold Stories

Here lie the funniest Japanese stories ever told. Or so they say, because when it was decided in 1941 that tales of wayward sons in the red light district, mistress mishaps and too much saké were inappropriately funny for wartime, the famous rakugo performers who buried them under this slab vowed the stories would never beContinueContinue reading “Tomb Of The Untold Stories”

Radio Control Toilet

Yes, now you can level up your toilet game with this revolutionary R/C controller! We’re assured right on the package that it can be used by men OR women in a lavatory fight to the death: because even though men might dominate when it comes to putting up the seat, we know women utterly ruleContinueContinue reading “Radio Control Toilet”

The Sumida River At Night

As the sun goes down in Odaiba, the dinner boats gather like fireflies By day, the Sumida River is a busy thoroughfare of boats and ferries, but at night it turns into a magical sea of sparkles. As night falls, the boats take off upriver As darkness falls, the river begins to glow Every boatContinueContinue reading “The Sumida River At Night”

Catch Your Own Noodles

Next time you hoist a brew over the sad story of the one that got away, nobody is going to believe it was a NOODLE. But if you want to snag a tasty bite of nagashi sōmen, that’s just what might happen when you try to scoop the slippery little dudes up with your chopsticksContinueContinue reading “Catch Your Own Noodles”

What Apartment Doesn’t Need A Little Castle-like Ambience?

Waltz into this schwanky interior design store in Gotanda and walk out with a life-size replica of Arthurian-looking armor! Take your new buddy home on the train! Surely it’s just the welcoming touch your home was needing. (Also note that it comes in mini-knight size, in case you have mini-apartment size digs.) •

Kayak The Untamed Canals Of Tokyo!

After you’ve climbed the north face of Everest, surfed the 50-footers at Mavericks, and helicopter boarded the Eyjafjallajokull volcano, what’s left for next year’s Golden Week? Sadly, you discover that your idea of kayaking the Amazon from its headwaters in deepest darkest Brazil would require longer than five days. But then you see this subway posterContinueContinue reading “Kayak The Untamed Canals Of Tokyo!”

Nyan-tastic Cat Wares!

Catnip tea? Yes, please! I knew Kappabashi was the acme of destinations for obscure kitchenware and plastic food models, but it turns out they’ve got killer nyan-ware too! Next Christmas I bet Santa will fork over everything on my list when he sees that I left out nyancat cookies instead of boring old reindeer! Too hardContinueContinue reading “Nyan-tastic Cat Wares!”

Auto-Incinerate, For All Your Sacred Garbage Needs

Now you no longer have to do the heavy lifting when it comes to heaving that sacred garbage into the shrine’s designated bin! Here at the Narita Fudo-san Shrine, this conveyor belt incinerator churns year-round, ready to bear away your tired old lucky charms and exhausted household gods to be cremated in the proper way.ContinueContinue reading “Auto-Incinerate, For All Your Sacred Garbage Needs”

Wanted: Human Shield And Occasional Apologizer

See those guys in blue uniforms? Their job is to stand there like human bollards until the massive crush dies down, making sure the mob getting off the inhumanly packed morning train doesn’t block the people scampering to catch their ride going in the opposite direction, out to the burbs. This is rush hour atContinueContinue reading “Wanted: Human Shield And Occasional Apologizer”

A Day In The Life: What’s It Like To Be A Host?

“My name is Sakura, and this is our newest host, Yua. If you join us tonight, you can see what a new host does!” Join veteran host Sakura-san as he teaches his new recruit “Yua-kun” the ropes! First, a run-down of a typical day in Yua’s life: 11:00 a.m.: Wake up* Noon: Go to theContinueContinue reading “A Day In The Life: What’s It Like To Be A Host?”

Real Live Tanuki Sighting!

Ahahaha, I bet you thought tanukis were the stuff of Japanese legends – crafty tricksters with notoriously large cojones who play pranks on gullible humans – but it turns out tanuki are alive and well and living on some of the choicest real estate in Tokyo! This is the most common type of tanuki sightedContinueContinue reading “Real Live Tanuki Sighting!”

Swimming In The Sky

I love these. Every year on May 5, families fly koi nobori outside their houses as a sort of prayer that their sons will become like the carp that climbed the waterfall to become a dragon. These fish flags always cheer me up, but this year for some reason the public displays are particularly exuberant!ContinueContinue reading “Swimming In The Sky”

Please Tell Me That’s Not Banana Coffee

Oh noooo! It is! Chocolate banana coffee, to be exact, and it’s this month’s special at the Excelsior Cafe. In my humble opinion, those two flavors go together like mushrooms and whipped cream, but that’s not the worst part. The feature that really pushes this one into the category of foods you would only serveContinueContinue reading “Please Tell Me That’s Not Banana Coffee”

The Godzilla Of Pancakes

If you are what you eat, right now I’m a righteous tower of these tall boys. This “short stack” came topped with butter and kuromitsu (Okinawan black sugar syrup) and yes ma’am, I ate every single fluffmonster bite. It was so good, I had to return to Hoshino Coffee for an encore. The next time, IContinueContinue reading “The Godzilla Of Pancakes”

I Thought I’d Seen Tricked-Out Cars, But…!

I’d whipped out my camera to capture some arty-farty reflections of the Shibuya neon on cabs stuck at a traffic light, and when I looked at the display YOWZERS there was this CAR! And because traffic getting through Shibuya was wicked slow even at midnight, Lady Luck smiled upon me and gave me a halfContinueContinue reading “I Thought I’d Seen Tricked-Out Cars, But…!”

Hmm, Today I Think I’ll Do A Little Body Piercing…

That’s right, these little beauties are SELF-PIERCERS! How many ways can I say OW?! And even though the “birthstone” earring included suggests they are for 13-year-old girls, the store that sold them in the Magnet by 109 building specialized in jewelry that wasn’t exactly made for earlobes. How do I pierce thee? Let me countContinueContinue reading “Hmm, Today I Think I’ll Do A Little Body Piercing…”

I’ll Take A Pound Of The Cricket Snacks, Please

Mmm-mmm, on market day in Koshinzuka, they still sell inago tsukudani, scoops of Jiminy Cricket’s relatives all toasted up nice and crispy in a salty-sweet marinade. And what do they taste like, you may ask? Okay, I admit I chickened out of this one. But if they’re anything like shrimp tsukudani or tuna tsukudani orContinueContinue reading “I’ll Take A Pound Of The Cricket Snacks, Please”

What’s With The Tiny Door?

Wow, people were totally troll-size back in the days before homogenized vitamin D milk! Check out the tiny gate in this old wall! No, wait. Then why is there an eensy-weensy gate next to the car entrance at this temple in Daimon? It was built after the war, when hamburgers and milk had already invadedContinueContinue reading “What’s With The Tiny Door?”

Tokyo At Night: Kabuki-chō

The Hanazono Shrine, where everybody in the neighborhood makes offerings to ensure good business In Kabuki-chō, the day starts when the sun goes down. The streets are thronged with those who are looking for a good time, and those who are looking to provide it. I got to know this area pretty well when IContinueContinue reading “Tokyo At Night: Kabuki-chō”

Dinosaur Head, Half Price!

Surely I must know someone who would love to receive a life-sized dinosaur head! On sale for only ¥18,900, it’s so hard to pass up! I mean, who wouldn’t want a tyrannosaur hanging over their fireplace? This shop on Kappabashi street in Tokyo’s restaurant supply district specializes in custom-made props. In addition to Rex theContinueContinue reading “Dinosaur Head, Half Price!”

How To Make Poisonous Dried Snake Tea

First, you take a dried snake. A dried poisonous snake. Then you chop it into little pieces. Add some dried ginger and garlic and a few other secret ingredients. Powderize it all in your industrial snake grinder and pour it in a medicine bottle. Mix one teaspoon into a cup of hot water every morningContinueContinue reading “How To Make Poisonous Dried Snake Tea”

The Fake Sea Slug Vending Machine

“Mommy, mommy, I want a nudibranch! All the other kids have nudibranchs! Pleeeeeze can I have ¥200? Pleeeeeze?” “No. Last time you cried when you got the Bornella anguilla instead of the Chromodoris annai and I had to take you out of the store because everybody thought I was abusing you or something.” “I won’t cry!ContinueContinue reading “The Fake Sea Slug Vending Machine”

The Secret Garden

Behind the long, boring building mostly known for blocking views of the pagoda at Senso-ji is the secret garden of Denpo-in. Within those walls is a serene retreat used by the priests for meditation, closed to the public except for a few days each year. But if you’re in Tokyo right now, woo hoo, it’sContinueContinue reading “The Secret Garden”

Lunchboxing Power Tools

Are the kids at school making fun of your progeny because the Pikachu rice ball you tried to make looked more like Godzilla? Did the teacher send home a note about not making lunch characters that scare the other children, when all you were tying to do was make that hot dog look like aContinueContinue reading “Lunchboxing Power Tools”

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Host Fashion

One of the first things you notice about hosts is that they don’t dress like Western guys who are out on the prowl. Hosts aim to deliver the Japanese version of a customer’s secret fantasy, and being swept away by a handsome prince or Wild One on his motorcycle is what makes many Japanese ladies’ heartsContinueContinue reading “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Host Fashion”

How Do I Find A Good Host Club?

It’s a well-kept secret that there’s a website with listings for host clubs in cities all over Japan. It’s called HostXHost. Naturally, it’s in Japanese…but fear not! I can show you how to navigate the highways and byways to get a feel for the hosts and their clubs! Here’s what the home screen looks like.ContinueContinue reading “How Do I Find A Good Host Club?”

How Can I Go To A Host Club?

Tomoya-san, me, and my secret weapon, Yuki! It’s not impossible for a foreigner to go to a host club, but the best way to do it is to ask a Japanese female friend to go with you. If you go with a Japanese woman, she can make the reservation and ask the club if it’sContinueContinue reading “How Can I Go To A Host Club?”

Can Foreigners Get Into A Host Club?

In pictures taken at host clubs, customers’ faces are always fuzzed out to protect their privacy. Not everybody wants their grandma or their boss to know just what kind of fun they’re having in their spare time! It’s possible, but it it’s not quite as simple as walking up to the doorman and asking toContinueContinue reading “Can Foreigners Get Into A Host Club?”

What Is A Host Club “Champagne Call”?

Sometimes a customer orders a special bottle of champagne, and all the hosts in the club temporarily abandon the customers they’re entertaining and gather around her table for a “champagne call.” Laser lights and/or music starts up as they assemble from all corners of the club. Then, while a waiter prepares a tray of emptyContinueContinue reading “What Is A Host Club “Champagne Call”?”

The Miso Muddler And Other Obscure Kitchen Tools

I laughed when I saw that there was a special tool you could plunge into a tub of miso, twirl it around to get exactly one bowl’s worth of fermented soybean paste into the little ball, then use the muddler to whisk it into your soup. And then, of course, I bought one. Because actually, ifContinueContinue reading “The Miso Muddler And Other Obscure Kitchen Tools”

How Expensive Is It To Go To A Host Club?

Will going to a host club blow your budget for a month? The answer is, it won’t if you’re careful. Most clubs have an “introductory price” of ¥2000-¥3000 that includes one to two hours at the club being entertained by the hosts and a bottle of either saké, shōchū or brandy. If you go with someoneContinueContinue reading “How Expensive Is It To Go To A Host Club?”

What’s It Like To Go To A Host Club?

Let’s slip past the secret door and find out what it’s really like to go to a host club! When you arrive for your reservation, at some clubs you’ll be handed a photo album before being seated at a table. Inside are glamour shots of all the club’s hosts, and you’ll be asked if you’dContinueContinue reading “What’s It Like To Go To A Host Club?”

The Head Is The Best Part

Fishsicles. The head is the best part. Or so I was told by the ayu vendor at the  Yasukuni shrine. My new pet fish-on-a-stick looked too big to be eaten whole, but apparently that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. Head, tail, innards, bones, everything. My main grill man helpfully informed me that they’re skewered upside-down soContinueContinue reading “The Head Is The Best Part”

What Kind Of Women Go To Host Clubs?

In case you think the kind of women who go to host clubs are all loser dogs who can’t get a boyfriend, think again! Many of them are women who have too many men after them, not too few! What kind of woman pays a guy to spend time with her? The truth might surpriseContinueContinue reading “What Kind Of Women Go To Host Clubs?”

What Do Women Want?

Meet the professors at Boyfriend University So, why do women go to host clubs anyway? That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? What do women really want? Ask any host and he’ll tell you: women want to be wanted. But you have to be able to tell how a woman wants to be wanted. AContinueContinue reading “What Do Women Want?”

Coffee + Beer. No. Just…no.

Yes, it’s COFFEE BEER! If anyone ever said to me, “Wow, you two go together like coffee and beer!” I think I’d start dusting off my OK Cupid profile. And it doesn’t stop there. This ad suggests other unlikely combos as well. Pineapple juice beer! Lychee beer! Grapefruit beer! And apparently it’s key to serveContinueContinue reading “Coffee + Beer. No. Just…no.”

Cherry Blossoms for Geeks

Which one of these traditional Japanese tenugui hand towels is not like the others? Hint: it’s the one with the poem that reads: “One of these is small, but he stubbornly heads toward his goal, The other changes direction according to how the wind is blowing…” •

How To Get Yourself A Tall Nose

Making your nose look bigger is not at the top of most Westerners’ must-have beauty techniques, but stylish Japanese blades are apparently keen on giving their schnozzes a lift! From the ever-entertaining pages of Men’s Spider magazine (the slightly more host-centric version of Men’s Knuckle!), behold the step by step instructions for nose enhancing makeupContinueContinue reading “How To Get Yourself A Tall Nose”

The World’s Shortest Elevator

If you want to contend for the title of World’s Laziest Human, get off the train at Takadanobaba Station and wait for the elevator to take you down the five steps outside the ticket gate. Okay, of course, this provides access for people who have difficulty climbing stairs, are toting giant suitcases or wheeling monstroContinueContinue reading “The World’s Shortest Elevator”

Tokyo Steampunk!

Alice In Wonderland X Jules Verne! Gothic Lolita X Victorian Mourning! Manga X Edwardian Gentleman! In the land where costume is king (and often queen, even if you’re not a woman!), steampunk does not disappoint. The Tokyo Steampunk Society has adopted a time travel motif, which allows anybody who already cosplays to reimagine themselves inContinueContinue reading “Tokyo Steampunk!”

What Are We Trying To Say Here? Pop Star?

Arashi’s new album cover : depths of humiliation only rivaled by dogs being forced to dress as Princess Leia Is there no end to the indignity Japanese idols must suffer? I mean seriously – can you imagine someone saying to Nirvana, “Hey, for your next release, we think it’d be a great idea if youContinueContinue reading “What Are We Trying To Say Here? Pop Star?”