Our hapless hero starts his day by shaving his manly beard. “Ah, another day of work. Today I’m really going to kick some butt!” He gets to the office and looks around. Suddenly, he realizes One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others. “Why am I the only guy in this office who has to scrape his face in the morning?” Later that night, slaving away at his computer, he gloomily thinks about how the office lady he has a crush on was flirtatiously serving tea to his beardless co-workers while he was making his rounds of unsuccessful sales pitches. The next day, the boss reams him out for not putting 110% into his job. “Is there something worrying you?” he asks waspishly.
Then, by a marvelous alignment of the planets, our hero discovers the wonders of No!No!
He gets rid of that career-sabotaging and babe-repulsing beard forever for only $370!
Two months later…the office ladies are all abuzz with how wrong they were about The Gorilla. The cutie our dude has been trying to bag for months suddenly serves him tea! His sales hit record highs! Co-workers look on with undisguised envy! The beard eradication effort is resoundingly successful. The Ex-Gorilla decides to use it on the rest of his body too, because his new spiritual guide the No!No! has provided helpful hints for the clueless derps who don’t realize that it’s not only beards that can hold you back from achieving your most cherished dreams.
The No!No! informs us that chest pelts and finger fur are especially despised. And in case anybody thinks this miracle is too good to be true, let’s consult the diagram to see how it’s achieved. It must be legit, because it looks SO PAINFUL. Unlike creams and razors, the No!No! yanks those hairy buggers out by the roots. Ow, ow, and more ow!
This ad is from Men’s Knuckle magazine.
The Last Tea Bowl Thief was chosen as an Editor’s Pick for Best Mystery, Thriller & Suspense on Amazon
“A fascinating mix of history and mystery.” —Booklist