Hydrangeas: Gateway To A Life Of Crime

Ajisai53

I have a confession to make. Although my job is to write about ingenious ways people commit murder and mayhem, when it comes to obsessing about how I’d commit the perfect crime, it always ends up with hydrangeas.

Yes, hydrangeas. To be more specific, hydrangea smuggling. Because before I went to Japan, I never dreamed that the humble fluffballs flanking granny’s porch could come in so many colors. Or so many shapes. Or be so…lustworthy.

But because bringing anything even remotely resembling a plant into California is punishable by green-coated beagle outing before you even clear baggage claim, this led to a sorry situation in which an NSA scan of my search history might reveal pages devoted to drug-sniffing-dog-proof containers (too small), how to grow an entire plant from a single leaf using massive quantities of growth hormone (too iffy for people who haven’t managed to keep a houseplant alive EVER), whether bridal bouquets might get a pass from soft-hearted customs officials (don’t count on it) and so forth.

Still haven’t cracked it. So until I do, I’m just going to have to content myself with collecting photos of them. Which I’m going to share with you, so we can room together in prison.

Typical Japanese hydrangeas are blue. And not a namby-pamby blue, either. I mean, Japanese hydrangeas : American hydrangeas = a French baguette fresh from the oven eaten on the banks of the Seine as the sun rises : Wonder Bread. If you know what I mean.

Typical Japanese hydrangeas are blue. And not a namby-pamby blue, either. I mean, Japanese hydrangeas are to American hydrangeas as a French baguette fresh from the oven eaten on the banks of the Seine as the sun rises is to Wonder Bread. If you know what I mean.

But it's not only that they're blue...

But it’s not just that they’re blue…

When you look at them up close, they have a completely different complex beauty.

When you look at them up close, it’s like each flower is a whole parallel universe fractal bouquet (and you don’t even need to be vaping to marvel at this)

Like little origami flowers, for example.

Or check these out, up close. They look like little origami, don’t you think?

Or curly ones.

And these curly ones. Don’t they make you happy, just looking at them?

Or ones with names like "Kurohime" which means Dark Princess. (I mean, how awesome would it be to have a garden in which a whole platoon of DARK PRINCESSES lurked?)

Or ones with names like “Kurohime” which means Dark Princess. I mean, how awesome would it be to have a garden in which a whole platoon of DARK PRINCESSES lurked?

And in Japan, they bloom during the peak of Moss Season, thus making the eye candy element almost unbearable.

To make matters worse, in Japan, hydrangeas bloom during the peak of Moss Season, thus making the I WANT THAT nearly unbearable.

Of course, there ARE pink ones, but even those manage to have elegantly lust-worthy pinked edges...

Of course, they do come in other colors, but even those manage to wow with elegant pinked edges…

...or look like the best fireworks you ever saw...

…or look like some sort of fantasy fireworks…

...or MY FAVORITE: have brilliant picotee edges

…or BE STILL MY HEART: those brilliant picotee edges

Jonelle Patrick writes mysteries set in Tokyo. They make excellent prison reading.

More Nightshade book goodness here, in case you think you might want to, you know, read it or something

A young woman is found dead in an abandoned car, with a pair of strangers old enough to be her parents. Their suicide note apologizes for a disaster that hasn’t yet happened. And someone is stalking the…Read more

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