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Aliens Analyze Japanese Condom Packaging

Condom2

Nork, Nork, come here! I found a box of earthling foodstuff! See? Universal Translator says it’s a “banana fruit.”

No, Derp, you dope. A Diamond Banana is made of pure carbon.

Can’t eat it?

No, too hard.

Okay, but look here! Perfect souvenirs for Fearless Leader! Indigenous wildlife!

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What? How can such big lifeforms fit in such small box?

Maybe they are small variety, to keep as pet! Like pygmy giraffe on Fearless Leader’s “Capture And Bring Back Without Fail” list?

But Universal Translator says horse-creature in box is Size Large and elephant-creature is Size Extra Large.

Maybe these are small now, but will grow big with loving care.

Okay, put them in the basket. What about this other box? Goku-atsu…goku-atsu…universal translator says…Extremely Thick.

Picture is of human fighting fist. Maybe…weapon?

Yes, weapon! Fearless Leader likes weapons. Buy ten, Derp.

What about these?

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Kabuto…kabuto…no! Put those back! They are horrible large insects! Horrible large fighting insects! Remember what Fearless Leader said when we brought back those “cockroaches” last time!

But these are “menthol-flavored.” Maybe good for snack?

Not for snack! All-Knowing Wiki says menthol is for smoking.

Smoking? They light insects on fire and inhale them? Disgusting! Barbaric! I think we should tell Fearless Leader to change his mind about colonizing THIS planet…

Read a novel set in Tokyo

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Jonelle Patrick View All

Writing mystery books set in Tokyo is mostly what I do, but I also blog about the odd stuff I see every day in Japan. I'm a graduate of Stanford University and the Sendagaya Japanese Institute in Tokyo, and a member of the International Thriller Writers, the Mystery Writers of America, and Sisters In Crime. When I'm not in Tokyo, I live in San Francisco. I also host a travel site called The Tokyo Guide I Wish I'd Had, so if you're headed to Japan and want to check out the places I take my friends when they're in town, take a look!

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