Aliens Analyze Japanese Condom Packaging


Nork, Nork, come here! I found a box of earthling foodstuff! See? Universal Translator says it’s a “banana fruit.”

No, Derp, you dope. A Diamond Banana is made of pure carbon.

Can’t eat it?

No, too hard.

Okay, but look here! Perfect souvenirs for Fearless Leader! Indigenous wildlife!


What? How can such big lifeforms fit in such small box?

Maybe they are small variety, to keep as pet! Like pygmy giraffe on Fearless Leader’s “Capture And Bring Back Without Fail” list?

But Universal Translator says horse-creature in box is Size Large and elephant-creature is Size Extra Large.

Maybe these are small now, but will grow big with loving care.

Okay, put them in the basket. What about this other box? Goku-atsu…goku-atsu…universal translator says…Extremely Thick.

Picture is of human fighting fist. Maybe…weapon?

Yes, weapon! Fearless Leader likes weapons. Buy ten, Derp.

What about these?


Kabuto…kabuto…no! Put those back! They are horrible large insects! Horrible large fighting insects! Remember what Fearless Leader said when we brought back those “cockroaches” last time!

But these are “menthol-flavored.” Maybe good for snack?

Not for snack! All-Knowing Wiki says menthol is for smoking.

Smoking? They light insects on fire and inhale them? Disgusting! Barbaric! I think we should tell Fearless Leader to change his mind about colonizing THIS planet…

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, now out for the first time in paperback

More Nightshade book goodness here, in case you think you might want to, you know, read it or something

A young woman is found dead in an abandoned car, with a pair of strangers old enough to be her parents. Their suicide note apologizes for a disaster that hasn’t yet happened. And someone is stalking the…read more

…or watch the book trailer (0:52)