Less-Than-Zero Cola

It looks like Coke Zero. It tastes like Coke Zero. But it has FEWER CALORIES than Coke Zero.

And how is this miracle of math performed? Apparently, Mets Cola is specially formulated with some sort of artificial fiber additive that grabs the fat in that big slab of tonkatsu you ate with it and ushers the malevolent molecules right through without stopping for a long vacation on your hips. It not only doesn’t add calories, it actually takes them away!

Nevermind that this sounds like a fairly sketchy thing to do to your body, it’s earned Mets Cola a big government seal of approval, making it safe for children throughout Japan to insist to their mothers that the litre of soda they’re drinking is actually HEALTH FOOD.

Jonelle Patrick writes novels set in Tokyo

A young woman dressed as a Gothic Lolita is found dead in a car with two strangers. But the more Yumi Hata learns about her friend’s death, the more she’s convinced it was murder…read more