Category Archives: Tokyu Hands

Costumes I Would Regret Even Thinking Of Wearing

What IS this? A rare species of face-eating nudibranch? A faded map of the 18th hole at Pebble Beach?  No! It’s a fake five o’clock shadow!

This is an especially spectacular career-inhibitor if the costume-wearing prankster is a woman! Long, long after you reach what would have been retirement age if you’d ever been able to land a job, photographs of you on the interwebs wearing this gender-bender fake facial stubble will be raising the question that just won’t go away: when she filled out that application, did she check the little box labeled F, or…?

Costumes I Would Regret, Part Deux

Nothing says Career Killer like a shot of your grinning face leering at the camera from inside a beer mask, two-fisting some brewskies! Tokyu Hands once again comes through with a costume that makes you think, “Snap! I don’t even have to dress up!” but ends up producing dozens of eminently uploadable candids for everyone’s internet-viewing pleasure. You may never again hold a job that doesn’t require a uniform, but you’ll be able to talk about the time you made the front page of Reddit for years to come.

Your Very Own Electronic Monk!

Tired of petitioning the Powers That Be every day for world peace, a winning lottery ticket, and for them to still have your size when those purple Fluevog boots you desperately want go on sale? Rest easy! Now you can let the Electronic Monk do your chanting for you!

You’re just a couple of AA batteries away from world domination once you unpack this useful appliance from Tokyu Hands. For a mere $38 and a flip of the switch, this sturdy plastic cleric will chant your choice of sutras 24/7, tirelessly dispensing blessings as he waves a lotus bud in your general direction. Unfortunately his robes are a shade of Designer Orange that will only match your decor if you haven’t yet gotten rid of that shag carpet that was installed in 1972, but surely that’s a small price to pay for eternal bliss!

Because It Feels So Good When You Stop?

At first glance, it’s hard to imagine that bonking yourself on the head would make you feel better. I found “Mr. Energetic,” the quaint wooden hammer, in the self-massage section at Tokyu Hands, looking rather low-tech compared to the other dedicated work-the-kinks-out tools. It claims to be useful “whenever and wherever you want” – perhaps while sitting at the immigration office, waiting hours and hours for your number to be called…?

Eyeball Massage

The do-it-yourself massage section at Tokyu Hands is just bursting with frightening inventions dedicated to helping you reach the kinks in every part of your body, but I had to look twice at this one to find out just how one was supposed to massage one’s eyeballs. Apparently it works by stimulating the acupressure points around your eyes.

But check out the package design. The model’s tongue piercing is a nice random touch, as are the little drawing of a dog by the arrow pointing to the handy carrying pouch, and the crossed screwdriver and wrench motif. But my favorite element is that the manufacturer felt the need to print a disclaimer in very large outlined litters which reads, “This does not cure nearsightedness.”

Nothing Says “Ganbatte” Like a Pie in the Face

You know that guy who always leaves a quarter cup of coffee in the pot so someone else has to scrub out the burned-on sludge and start a new one? Well, the next time you’re at an after-hours drinking party, surprise him with this classic party prank from Tokyu Hands!

Specially designed with revenge-that-can-be-passed-off-as-fun in mind, the package shows the target gratifyingly shouting, “Stop!”

Your co-workers will thank you!

I Wonder If They Make One With Demon Faces…

At first I couldn’t figure out WHAT this item in the Tokyo Hands baking section was.

Shelf paper? Sponges of Overwhelming Cuteness?

Then I looked closer and realized…they’re non-stick baking sheets for making cake rolls! But, since this is JAPAN and no amount of effort is too great for expressing seasonal exuberance, these have patterns printed on them so you can squeeze different batter colors onto the design and end up with sponge cakes that look like Boys’ Day carp or plum blossoms or jack o’ lanterns! Next year I’m going to check this department to see if they have special kits for some of the minor holidays. For example, little horned oni demons for Setsubun…

I admit I was pretty tempted to buy one of these, until I looked at the instructions and realized mine would probably end up being appropriate only for celebrating Blob Season.

Starry Starry Lips

Plain pink gloss? So last millennium! Now you can sport lips with stars and more – I’ve seen this on more than one model in Japanese magazines! I thought I’d discovered the source at Tokyu Hands…

… but on closer inspection, I think the lips on these packages are the work of a master hair-make stylist. As tempting as it was to take these home, I had second thoughts about chancing the blue lizard lips look, just in case it turned out to be, er, rather more permanent than anticipated…

The starry lips photo above is from Ranzuki magazine.

Stairway to Svelteness Heaven

Forget that zumba class – I’m going shopping instead! Every step on the way to the floor where they sell the Infrared Pants Of Titanium at Tokyu Hands now informs me just how many calories I burned by virtuously bypassing the elevator.

You won’t need this space age product anymore once you hike up to the health products floor of Tokyu Hands!